This question has haunted me my whole life. What do I want to be when I grow up? I am 30 years old and I still haven't figured it out yet.
Since I was old enough to talk I said I wanted to be a singer. I still do, but I am to afraid to really go anywhere with it because I desperatly want to be good and I am horribly afraid that someone is going to tell me that I am not very good at it (yes I have been told my whole life that I am good at it and I still get told, but some of those people on American Idol were told they were good their whole lives too. And no I am not fishing for compliments, just being honest). I think if anyone were to tell me that I sucked at singing, I would curl up into a ball and die...seriously, I am overly sensitive to this issue, ask anyone that really really knows me, I really am.
When I was about 7 or so I learned how to crochet, nothing fancy, just chains and a blanket (nothing big enough to use because, come on, I was 7 and had no attention span), but within the last few years I picked it back up again. Nothing to big or fancy, my attention span hasn't gotten much better over the years, but enough that I can make hats (with a very detailed pattern), blankets, scarfs, and that is about it so far, there are a lot of things I would love to make, but haven't had the time, or the right colors to make them, and if I make them in the wrong color it ruins the entire thing. I love crocheting things, I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to that though, I will start something and undo it about a million times, no matter how far into it I am if I look and realize that I have done 75 rows and in the 3rd row, I added a stitch and it doesn't look right anymore, I will undo all 72 rows to redo that 3rd row just to make it perfect. So that being said, full length blanket can take me quite a while to make, so I tend to stick to small things. I would love to be able to sell them and make a little play money, and I sold a few, but all it really covered was the cost of the yarn and the shipping, but I am not discouraged.
I love to write, I have always written things, when I was about 12 I started writing poetry. I love reading, so for me writing was a natural thing, I love trying different writing styles, but none of them are me. I have "written" many books that were a whole 7 pages of the same thing and way more detail than any book could ever need (I mean seriously, come on, now many ways can you say she was wearing a blue dress?), and no matter what kind of "book" I was writing, they all started, "It was a dark and stormy night..." yes I know worst opening ever. The characters were always the same and the same thing always happened. By the time I got a few pages into it, I was drawing a blank, and the whole creative writing process started. As for my poetry, I wrote about 12 or 15 and that was about it, it helped me through a lot of heartbreak during middle and high school, and I had one published in a book that you could only read if you bought it through this one website, but it was published and I felt I had accomplished something when I was 14.
Drawing would be so cool! I would love to draw some beautiful pictures, but I totally lack that skill. I took ceramics in high school...we will just say that ceramics and art are not my strong points. My stick figures laugh at me and even another blog I read would laugh so hard at my pics and she prides herself on her crappy pictures.
Being a massage therapist would be really cool too. You get to make your own hours, make good money and you are helping people de-stress. It would also be cool to be a CSI! That would rock!
I know that some of my ideas are out there, and some are pretty realistic, luckily I still have a lot of time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
My beautiful Family
Monday, November 7, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Friendships
Today's blog started out being about what we did today, but I think I am going to post about that tomorrow when I have all the pics uploaded, because it just won't be the same without all the awesome pics. Instead this post is going to be about friendships. The reason I changed it last minute is because something just came to me (one of those moments I talked about yesterday that usually comes during the day when I am away from my computer, or when I am falling asleep).
I have a lot of friends, some are close, some are not, some are best friends and some are more like family. When I moved from Texas to California when I was 11 it was really hard on me. I was leaving my entire life behind, all my lifelong friends. Everyone told me I would make new ones, but it would never be the same as the ones I was leaving behind. Everyone told me I could keep in touch with my old ones, but with time came the new friends, still not as good as the old ones, but they kept me busy enough that the letters and phone calls to the old ones (one in particular) became further and further between and to this day I don't remember who was the last one to call or write to one another. It is a little easier now with Facebook and email and texting and things like that, but things will never be the way they were when we were 11 (and thanks to Facebook we are talking again, and we even see each other in person on occasion). I don't expect things to be the same, almost 20 years of growing up has happened since then, but it is still great to catch up, look at old (really old) pictures of us when we were 2 playing in the snow, and old dance pictures and watching our kids play now who are the age we were is just to cool (to bad we never went to University of Texas in Austin together and became dorm buddies while I majored in music, but I think our lives turned out great anyway, God had a better plan for us, I just regret all the years we missed out on).
Once I moved to California, I found it really hard to make friends, I had this "stigma" attached to me, it was called "I'm from Texas, and apparently I talk different than all of ya'll so let's make fun of me" anyone else have this one or one like it that followed you? Well I did and I didn't like it. I made a few friends and soon by high school I had the biggest and best group of best friends anyone could ever have. Still to this day I love each and every one of them, they became family, my mom was their mom, their mom was my mom, we did EVERYTHING together, we were inseperable. I hope that when all of my kids grow up that they will have a group like mine, even though they will never be as cool as we were, but they can sure try.
Then, it happened again, my senior year. Time to move again. Military life really stinks when you are 17. I once again had to leave all of my friends, my best friends, my family of friends. My world came crashing down around me once again. My saving grace...one of my best friends had moved to the same place the year before me. I had one, just one friend, and that was all I needed. By then we had email and AOL, but it was dial-up and it just sucked. Nothing like what we have now, if we had then what we have now, our friendships would have never changed. We could have facetimed all the time and had sleepovers online and all kinds of stuff (the ideas are endless!!!), but we couldn't. And by the time all of this stuff came about, 8 years had passed, we had gotten married, had kids, gotten divorced (some of us), gotten remarried. A lot of actual growing up had happened. And a lot of growing apart had happened too. The closeness that was there before, just wasn't there anymore, try as we might, it just wasn't. I still to this day love them all dearly and wish things could be back the way they used to be, back when we all lived in the same area, went to the same school, but we can't.
I now have new friends again, some are close, some are new, and some are like family that I don't know what I would do without. My friendships with my new friends are different than my old friendships were. I wish I could combine the two, but that isn't going to happen and I know this. Sometimes moving on from friendships is really hard, sometimes you feel like your heart is going to rip out of your chest because leaving your old friends behind hurts so bad, even though you know that there are going to be new friends just around the corner, it doesn't make it any easier, if anything it makes it harder because you know that eventually, you are going to love them dearly, and they are going to go and you have to do it all over again.
So here is the question I give to you. What do you do? Continue forward, push on and hope that these new friends never leave you, stop making friends all together? Break all ties with friends when you notice that things are starting to frey between you because of work, family, ministry, or life is just getting in the way? Or just keep moving forward, acting like nothing is wrong and hope they find their way back, technology is an awesome thing after all.
I have a lot of friends, some are close, some are not, some are best friends and some are more like family. When I moved from Texas to California when I was 11 it was really hard on me. I was leaving my entire life behind, all my lifelong friends. Everyone told me I would make new ones, but it would never be the same as the ones I was leaving behind. Everyone told me I could keep in touch with my old ones, but with time came the new friends, still not as good as the old ones, but they kept me busy enough that the letters and phone calls to the old ones (one in particular) became further and further between and to this day I don't remember who was the last one to call or write to one another. It is a little easier now with Facebook and email and texting and things like that, but things will never be the way they were when we were 11 (and thanks to Facebook we are talking again, and we even see each other in person on occasion). I don't expect things to be the same, almost 20 years of growing up has happened since then, but it is still great to catch up, look at old (really old) pictures of us when we were 2 playing in the snow, and old dance pictures and watching our kids play now who are the age we were is just to cool (to bad we never went to University of Texas in Austin together and became dorm buddies while I majored in music, but I think our lives turned out great anyway, God had a better plan for us, I just regret all the years we missed out on).
Once I moved to California, I found it really hard to make friends, I had this "stigma" attached to me, it was called "I'm from Texas, and apparently I talk different than all of ya'll so let's make fun of me" anyone else have this one or one like it that followed you? Well I did and I didn't like it. I made a few friends and soon by high school I had the biggest and best group of best friends anyone could ever have. Still to this day I love each and every one of them, they became family, my mom was their mom, their mom was my mom, we did EVERYTHING together, we were inseperable. I hope that when all of my kids grow up that they will have a group like mine, even though they will never be as cool as we were, but they can sure try.
Then, it happened again, my senior year. Time to move again. Military life really stinks when you are 17. I once again had to leave all of my friends, my best friends, my family of friends. My world came crashing down around me once again. My saving grace...one of my best friends had moved to the same place the year before me. I had one, just one friend, and that was all I needed. By then we had email and AOL, but it was dial-up and it just sucked. Nothing like what we have now, if we had then what we have now, our friendships would have never changed. We could have facetimed all the time and had sleepovers online and all kinds of stuff (the ideas are endless!!!), but we couldn't. And by the time all of this stuff came about, 8 years had passed, we had gotten married, had kids, gotten divorced (some of us), gotten remarried. A lot of actual growing up had happened. And a lot of growing apart had happened too. The closeness that was there before, just wasn't there anymore, try as we might, it just wasn't. I still to this day love them all dearly and wish things could be back the way they used to be, back when we all lived in the same area, went to the same school, but we can't.
I now have new friends again, some are close, some are new, and some are like family that I don't know what I would do without. My friendships with my new friends are different than my old friendships were. I wish I could combine the two, but that isn't going to happen and I know this. Sometimes moving on from friendships is really hard, sometimes you feel like your heart is going to rip out of your chest because leaving your old friends behind hurts so bad, even though you know that there are going to be new friends just around the corner, it doesn't make it any easier, if anything it makes it harder because you know that eventually, you are going to love them dearly, and they are going to go and you have to do it all over again.
So here is the question I give to you. What do you do? Continue forward, push on and hope that these new friends never leave you, stop making friends all together? Break all ties with friends when you notice that things are starting to frey between you because of work, family, ministry, or life is just getting in the way? Or just keep moving forward, acting like nothing is wrong and hope they find their way back, technology is an awesome thing after all.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Creative process...or not
I don't know what the deal is, all day long I can come up with the most amazing things that I want to write about when I get home, I finally get everything at home done and sit down at the computer, and immediately draw the biggest blank. Sometimes I just stare at the blinking curser and imagine it is laughing at me and slowly sucking the imagination, interestingness (is that even a word? Well it is now) and intelligence (previous word is the perfect example of this one) from my mind. I sit, I stare, I start typing, I stop, I eat a Veggie Straw (OMG SO YUMMY!!!! They are these chip things made from veggies and they are so flipping good I have almost eaten the entire bag myself and it is a costco bag, I know I am so going to be sick and gain a good 50lbs off of them but they are good and they are veggies so they can't be bad for me...right???), I start typing again, stop, eat another handfull of Veggie Straws, drink some water, check the time on my phone, type some more. Contimplate quitting blogging, remind myself that I now have 260 page views (oh yeah I rock!), draw another blank because of the pressure I am putting on myself, remind myself that 260 is not that many but still pat myself on the back for it. Type some more, try to think of what it is I really want to write for the night and end up not coming up with what I thought of earlier in the day.
Eventually I will get the whole blogging process down to an art, I will keep a notepad and pen with me at all times so that I can quickly write down my ideas (because typing it into my iphone won't work that well, I am way more creative on pen and paper than a phone or keyboard), and I will be all organized and type an interestingly put together blog that will blow everyone away, it will happen...one day. But for now, this is me, this is how my mind works, I have 6 kids, 2 businesses, a ministry, 4 dogs and a husband, my mind is frazzled and doesn't come together the way I would like, but it comes together the way it is supposed to, and I guess I will take it the way it is, I don't really have any other choice. For now, my writing will be choppy, it will be unorganized, written the way my mind is, someday I plan to be organized, just not today. So welcome to my mind, and my creative process...or not
Eventually I will get the whole blogging process down to an art, I will keep a notepad and pen with me at all times so that I can quickly write down my ideas (because typing it into my iphone won't work that well, I am way more creative on pen and paper than a phone or keyboard), and I will be all organized and type an interestingly put together blog that will blow everyone away, it will happen...one day. But for now, this is me, this is how my mind works, I have 6 kids, 2 businesses, a ministry, 4 dogs and a husband, my mind is frazzled and doesn't come together the way I would like, but it comes together the way it is supposed to, and I guess I will take it the way it is, I don't really have any other choice. For now, my writing will be choppy, it will be unorganized, written the way my mind is, someday I plan to be organized, just not today. So welcome to my mind, and my creative process...or not
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Sister wives???
So for a while I have heard people talk about this show online on their facebook pages and things like that, but I don't have cable and TLC doesn't do full episodes online, besides I am to busy catching up on the good shows like Modern Family, Hoarders, Body of Proof and when it is on Beyond Scared Straight on abc.com and a&e.com so I hadn't had a chance to watch it. Lo and behold, turn on Netflix today, and there it is, I don't know how many episodes are up, usually it is just the first )season of something like that, but I will figure it out as we go along. So the girls and I watched the first episode totally disgusted. What is wrong with these people?? Why would they want to allow thier husband to marry another woman, and sleep with her?! Have children with her, watch them kiss each other?! Quickly our opinions have been made, and our comments fly out of our mouths. Nothing can change our minds, we sit there and watch this guy who has 3 wives decide to bring a fourth wife into his home!! He already has 12 children and 3 wives, what the heck does he need with a fourth one?! He has been married to the first three for 20 years, 17 years and 16 years. And now he decides he needs to get with a 30 year old with 3 children of her own?! I am beside myself as these women sit and talk about how this is the lifestyle they have chosen, they love their lives and wouldn't have it any other way, but then a couple of episodes later (yes we watched 4, don't judge us) the 3 wives are in tears about bringing another wife into their house. I sat and watched these 3 ladies be heartbroken because they felt that they weren't enough for their husband of 16+ years. How sad is it that these poor ladies have given everything for him and this lifestyle to just have him decide on a whim that he wants to take another wife on and they just have to accept it.
I just don't understand how anyone can watch this and think that this lifestyle is ok and not harmful to anyone involved. The newest wife was talking to one of the older girls and she asked her "so when you get older, will you life a polygamist lifestyle?" To which the daughter replied "um...no. I am sorry I love my life and wouldn't have it any other way, I love my dad and my 3 moms, but my husband will be for me and me alone." The new wife chuckled uncomfortably and said "but then you don't get great new moms like me" and the daughter just laughed. What is it doing to these kids? Teaching them that there is one person for a girl, but multiple for a guy? That it is ok for a guy to basically cheat on his wife as long as he marries her too? That the girl must be faithful to him and him alone, but that doesn't count for him? Since when is that ok?
This show has become my car wreck, you can't believe you are sitting there watching it, but you can't not look at it. You are drawn to it in some sick twisted way, you want to know more about it, but not admit that you are curious about how they live, what in their minds makes it ok that they are like this. Don't get me wrong, he seems to truly love all of his wives, and he is great to everyone (kids and wives that I can tell in 4 episodes), and for some people this is the lifestyle they have chosen, but that is so not for me in any way shape or form.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
I have arrived...
Ok at least in my opinion I have. Today when I logged into my blog for the first time since I posted last week I think it was (sorry guys I went to San Antonio for a week to spend some quality time with my family, my grandpa who is on hospice, my grandma who isn't doing very well, my mom who does way to much and my brother who is developing himself into someone I am quickly becoming so very proud of, yes Jesse I mean you) and when I logged in I had...252 page views!!!!! I about jumped out of my seat...and would have if it wasn't 11:30 at night and the whole house was asleep, and I even had my very first comment!! (thanks MB <3) It took me a minute to come back to earth with my big head, but I have calmed down some...not a lot but some, enough to post on here.
So on to the topic at hand...a lot has happened since I last posted, I went to San Antonio for 5 days, just me and the babies. The first time Jimmy and I have been apart for more than 2 days since we got together 7 years ago. It was almost like he was there with me seeing as we talked a lot and send videos of the girls and texted, but everyone survived (he was left with Haley and Taylor since they had school). I came home expecting my house to be a disaster (since I am the one that does the cleaning around here), and unrecognizable but instead I came home to dinner (turkey roast, biscuits, gravy, and french fries) and a clean house (most of it and I won't complain). I think I might just have to go out of town by myself more often! Jimmy says this was a test run, but has since changed his mind, he won't leave my side for more than 10 minutes, tells me he loves me quite often, I think I am going to enjoy this bit of pampering while it lasts, I have since gone back to being the only one who cleans, but I think I will find a way around that here very soon...*tee hee hee*
Last night we went trick or treating with the girls (Haley went with Key Club trick or treating for Unicef) around his mom's neighborhood, and
Taylor and I were 50's girls with poodle skirts (nope, no pics) and we had a blast. Sierra was going to houses saying "trick my tree!!!" but wouldn't say thank you to them because she didn't know them so she couldn't talk to them (great thinking for a 4 year old, totally made since to her)
So now that Halloween is over, it is time to start working on our Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff, Thanksgiving baskets for our support group and Angel Tree party (we are adopting 100 kids in our county and providing Christmas presents from their incarcerated parent, also we provide Christmas dinner for the family as well). We have canned good drives, bake sales, fundraisers, Christmas plays...talk about overwhelming, so glad I got my mini-vacation out of the way. I have so much more I would like to post, but Tuesdays are pretty draining, so I will try to post all that is on my mind tomorrow, just wanted to check in, let ya'll know I am still alive and kickin' and that I have arrived!!!
So on to the topic at hand...a lot has happened since I last posted, I went to San Antonio for 5 days, just me and the babies. The first time Jimmy and I have been apart for more than 2 days since we got together 7 years ago. It was almost like he was there with me seeing as we talked a lot and send videos of the girls and texted, but everyone survived (he was left with Haley and Taylor since they had school). I came home expecting my house to be a disaster (since I am the one that does the cleaning around here), and unrecognizable but instead I came home to dinner (turkey roast, biscuits, gravy, and french fries) and a clean house (most of it and I won't complain). I think I might just have to go out of town by myself more often! Jimmy says this was a test run, but has since changed his mind, he won't leave my side for more than 10 minutes, tells me he loves me quite often, I think I am going to enjoy this bit of pampering while it lasts, I have since gone back to being the only one who cleans, but I think I will find a way around that here very soon...*tee hee hee*
Last night we went trick or treating with the girls (Haley went with Key Club trick or treating for Unicef) around his mom's neighborhood, and
Sierra wanted to be a princess, so she was Princess and the Frog
Ella was a cheerleader
And Buffy was a puppy princess
Taylor and I were 50's girls with poodle skirts (nope, no pics) and we had a blast. Sierra was going to houses saying "trick my tree!!!" but wouldn't say thank you to them because she didn't know them so she couldn't talk to them (great thinking for a 4 year old, totally made since to her)
So now that Halloween is over, it is time to start working on our Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff, Thanksgiving baskets for our support group and Angel Tree party (we are adopting 100 kids in our county and providing Christmas presents from their incarcerated parent, also we provide Christmas dinner for the family as well). We have canned good drives, bake sales, fundraisers, Christmas plays...talk about overwhelming, so glad I got my mini-vacation out of the way. I have so much more I would like to post, but Tuesdays are pretty draining, so I will try to post all that is on my mind tomorrow, just wanted to check in, let ya'll know I am still alive and kickin' and that I have arrived!!!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Whatever happened to...
What ever happened to being a kid? I ask this because when I think back to when I was between the ages of 12 and 18, I had fun. Yeah I had my share of boyfriends, homework, grounding (don't even get me started on that one I have more than enough experience with that to last me 6 lifetimes), chores, babysitting, and not doing good in school...but I had so much fun, school dances, trick or treating, running around the neighborhood, sleeping over at friends houses, friends sleeping over at mine, more mom's than I knew what to do with (every one of my friends mom, was my mom too and didn't have a problem telling me that I needed to help with stuff around the house since I was there long enough to create the mess, and told me when It was time for me to go home, and my mom was their mom too, she had no problem telling them what they should and shouldn't do).
The reason I am blogging about this is because recently my 12 year old Taylor (and my 16 year old Haley did this last year and the year before) was telling me about the Halloween dance at school (when I was in middle school I so would have been the first person to buy my ticket), and how no one was going to go to the dance because it was "lame" COME ON PEOPLE!? You are 12 and 13 years old! What is wrong with dressing up in your costume and hanging out with your friends at a school dance?! My friends and I went to every single dance (that I wasn't grounded for), we went to the awesome ones (ROTC Ball, Homecoming, Sadie Hawkins-my fav because it gave me another excuse to ask a guy out) and the not so awesome ones (can't even remember which ones weren't awesome, even if the theme wasn't that great, they all rocked). Haley was telling me that she wasn't going to her prom because school dances are "lame" Prom??? Really????? Why can't kids just be kids and enjoy the time they have? It took Haley 2 years to get to a point where she is involved in anything at school and only because we pushed her to join Key Club last year, and pushed her to join band halfway through school last year. Now I hate that she missed out on so much fun in high school. Now she is never home (not complaining because she is doing great things with her school and her education), finally after telling her for almost 2 years that high school was going to be the best 4 years of her life, she gets it. Why can't kids just be kids? Why can't they just have fun and enjoy going to school dances, just be silly and run around the block with their friends making crazy faces and jumping all over the place? Why does everything have to be so serious? What happened to kids? Did we do this to them? Did we make them want to grow up so fast? Did we make them have to grow up so fast? Why can't they just be 12? Why can't they just be 8? Why can't they just be 15 or 16? Why can't they just play outside and ride a bike and dress up for halloween? What happened to our kids??
The reason I am blogging about this is because recently my 12 year old Taylor (and my 16 year old Haley did this last year and the year before) was telling me about the Halloween dance at school (when I was in middle school I so would have been the first person to buy my ticket), and how no one was going to go to the dance because it was "lame" COME ON PEOPLE!? You are 12 and 13 years old! What is wrong with dressing up in your costume and hanging out with your friends at a school dance?! My friends and I went to every single dance (that I wasn't grounded for), we went to the awesome ones (ROTC Ball, Homecoming, Sadie Hawkins-my fav because it gave me another excuse to ask a guy out) and the not so awesome ones (can't even remember which ones weren't awesome, even if the theme wasn't that great, they all rocked). Haley was telling me that she wasn't going to her prom because school dances are "lame" Prom??? Really????? Why can't kids just be kids and enjoy the time they have? It took Haley 2 years to get to a point where she is involved in anything at school and only because we pushed her to join Key Club last year, and pushed her to join band halfway through school last year. Now I hate that she missed out on so much fun in high school. Now she is never home (not complaining because she is doing great things with her school and her education), finally after telling her for almost 2 years that high school was going to be the best 4 years of her life, she gets it. Why can't kids just be kids? Why can't they just have fun and enjoy going to school dances, just be silly and run around the block with their friends making crazy faces and jumping all over the place? Why does everything have to be so serious? What happened to kids? Did we do this to them? Did we make them want to grow up so fast? Did we make them have to grow up so fast? Why can't they just be 12? Why can't they just be 8? Why can't they just be 15 or 16? Why can't they just play outside and ride a bike and dress up for halloween? What happened to our kids??
Sunday, October 16, 2011
San Antonio...and grandpa
So this weekend we went to San Antonio, I love going to San Antonio! I was born there, raised there until I was 11 and my family lives there. If I had it my way, I would go visit like every single weekend. We stayed at the Menger Hotel by the riverwalk (do a search, it is supposedly haunted, but I don't think so), I got to see my uncle who I haven't seen since I was like 13 or so, met my cousin or something that I hadn't met before (he is 3), took some great pictures, watched the Rangers win the game and clench going to the World Series for the 2nd straight year (GOOOOO RANGERS!!!!). Ate waaaaaaaay to much (I don't think I want to see food again for another year), rode the boar on the riverwalk, took some old time pictures, hung out with my baby brother (even though he is almost a foot taller than me now), went to lunch with my grandma, did some electrical work, walked around downtown, laughed a whole lot and came home.
I finally made it to go see my grandpa. I sure have missed him. He isn't doing well, and I am glad I got to see him this weekend. When I got to the nursing home on Saturday, he was coming down the hall in his wheelchair. My heart caught in my chest, he looks so frail, so fragile. Just a shell of the vibrant person he used to be. This was the first time he has been out of bed in over 2 months. He got out of bed because he knew I was coming to see him. He was going down the hall looking for me. He didn't want me to see him laying in bed. You see, the last thing I said to him the last time I talked to him was that I was coming soon, that once he got out of the hospital and got to doing better I would be coming to see him. Sure enough, he got out of the hospital a few weeks ago, and started doing better, so I kept my promise, and I went to see him. My mom has been telling him for over a week that I was coming, and my cousin told him Friday night that I was coming Saturday morning, so he knew I was coming.
I had such a wonderful visit with him, so many memories were made. He wasn't back to how he used to be, his voice is very quiet, and my mom and I had to pat him on the back to break up the fluid in his chest every once in a while to get a voice back, but he told me that he didn't have much time left, and he could feel it coming. He got to see Sierra and Ella again. They picked flowers for him and covered him with about 40 yellow and orange flowers and he even let Jimmy take pictures of him (something that he NEVER lets anyone do) I gave him a mini massage he showed me how he could move his fingers on his left hand (something he just started doing within the last few months (he hasn't been able to move anything on his left side since his second stroke over 5 years ago). He was trying to tell me things that I couldn't understand because he has no voice and I couldn't hear him, but all in all we had a great visit. We sat outisde in the beautiful fall weather and just enjoyed some much needed time together. I know that Sierra and Ella are way to young to remember any of this, but my grandpa's day was made by them loving on him even though they really don't know who he is, by them showing his rolly polly's that they found with their cousin (that they had just met for the first time the previous day but were instant best friends). We stayed for almost 2 hours, but they just flew by. I could have stayed all day, but he was tired, it was a lot for him to handle since it was his first time out in a few months. I have a hard time looking at him as a fragile shell of who he used to be. I see him and just want him to start making donald duck voices again, or telling me about how it was when I was groing up and telling him he was my daddy and holding onto his leg, or when I was digging in the backyard when I was like 5 and I couldn't find anymore dirt, or remembering going to the apple carnival thing when I was 13 or so and he introduced me to Toby Keith music. It's not easy to see my big strong grandpa who could defeat anyone and anything because he is all powerful, reduced to a shrivled old man (who isn't old), who needs someone to change his clothes, wipe his mouth, someone to move his hand and wheel him around so that he can get where he needs to go. Someone who has to point at a board to tell you when he needs or wants something because you can't hear him because he can't speak above a muttered whisper. But he is still the same person on the inside, trying to joke around and make faces. Still wanting and needing his family to love him, needing people to talk to, someone to show that yes, they still care about him and he isn't forgotten.
That was probably the best, and worst part of my trip down there. I will never forget the time I got to spend with him this weekend, and there never is enough time when it comes to someone you love.
I finally made it to go see my grandpa. I sure have missed him. He isn't doing well, and I am glad I got to see him this weekend. When I got to the nursing home on Saturday, he was coming down the hall in his wheelchair. My heart caught in my chest, he looks so frail, so fragile. Just a shell of the vibrant person he used to be. This was the first time he has been out of bed in over 2 months. He got out of bed because he knew I was coming to see him. He was going down the hall looking for me. He didn't want me to see him laying in bed. You see, the last thing I said to him the last time I talked to him was that I was coming soon, that once he got out of the hospital and got to doing better I would be coming to see him. Sure enough, he got out of the hospital a few weeks ago, and started doing better, so I kept my promise, and I went to see him. My mom has been telling him for over a week that I was coming, and my cousin told him Friday night that I was coming Saturday morning, so he knew I was coming.
I had such a wonderful visit with him, so many memories were made. He wasn't back to how he used to be, his voice is very quiet, and my mom and I had to pat him on the back to break up the fluid in his chest every once in a while to get a voice back, but he told me that he didn't have much time left, and he could feel it coming. He got to see Sierra and Ella again. They picked flowers for him and covered him with about 40 yellow and orange flowers and he even let Jimmy take pictures of him (something that he NEVER lets anyone do) I gave him a mini massage he showed me how he could move his fingers on his left hand (something he just started doing within the last few months (he hasn't been able to move anything on his left side since his second stroke over 5 years ago). He was trying to tell me things that I couldn't understand because he has no voice and I couldn't hear him, but all in all we had a great visit. We sat outisde in the beautiful fall weather and just enjoyed some much needed time together. I know that Sierra and Ella are way to young to remember any of this, but my grandpa's day was made by them loving on him even though they really don't know who he is, by them showing his rolly polly's that they found with their cousin (that they had just met for the first time the previous day but were instant best friends). We stayed for almost 2 hours, but they just flew by. I could have stayed all day, but he was tired, it was a lot for him to handle since it was his first time out in a few months. I have a hard time looking at him as a fragile shell of who he used to be. I see him and just want him to start making donald duck voices again, or telling me about how it was when I was groing up and telling him he was my daddy and holding onto his leg, or when I was digging in the backyard when I was like 5 and I couldn't find anymore dirt, or remembering going to the apple carnival thing when I was 13 or so and he introduced me to Toby Keith music. It's not easy to see my big strong grandpa who could defeat anyone and anything because he is all powerful, reduced to a shrivled old man (who isn't old), who needs someone to change his clothes, wipe his mouth, someone to move his hand and wheel him around so that he can get where he needs to go. Someone who has to point at a board to tell you when he needs or wants something because you can't hear him because he can't speak above a muttered whisper. But he is still the same person on the inside, trying to joke around and make faces. Still wanting and needing his family to love him, needing people to talk to, someone to show that yes, they still care about him and he isn't forgotten.
That was probably the best, and worst part of my trip down there. I will never forget the time I got to spend with him this weekend, and there never is enough time when it comes to someone you love.
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